seesaw

I am constantly in a seesaw state of mind, wondering what is coming next, loving where I am now, missing my old home. And, of course, the stress mounts. It wrinkles its way into my shoulders and expands its hold on my mind, distracting me from focusing on what I know to be true. I am of the kind who cringes at unsolved problems. No puzzle left unsolved before leaving the table, no dish sitting in the sink before leaving the house, no detail left unattended to before presenting a project. I am of the cursed perfectionist kind, and it always seems to be ever-more evident when I am stressed. Suddenly, I am picky again. Suddenly, I am not able to remember the small things. Suddenly, all I can think about is myself. How ridiculous.
There is no remedy for selfishness yet, although I have dedicated my life to the hunt for self-lessness. I can see glimpses of it squeezing its way into my character, softening my coarse, seemingly unpenetrable skin of selfishness little tiny bit by little tiny bit. It helps that I am around kids. For examplem, an interesting occurrence happened yesterday. Listen to this: I was at the park with the whole family, swinging with Domino, and two middle-school aged girls approached us and began a conversation with me about France (They obviously overheard me talking to Domino in French). As they continued exposing their dreams of visiting and living in France, I couldn't help but sigh with a bit of discouragement because all I could think was, 'So, Hannah, old maid status has hunted you down afterall. The only people that approach you now are, in fact, 13-year old girls. How lovely. You are officially off the market.' Simultaneously, I was thinking, 'How incredible that these 13-year old girls have vivid dreams of traveling. They are of the kind that are dreamers, and dreamers always live for something greater than themselves.' I can assure that the former thought superceeded the latter, and I gave way to my selfishness once again. How unfortunate.
However stretched I may feel about the future, I am still waking up with a smile every day. I am still growing more tender-hearted every day. I am still a bit more peaceful than yesterday. I am still a bit more confident than yesterday. And, I adore these kids more today than ever before. As frustrated as I can be, I still cannot shake the lingering sprinkles of their laughter in my ears, the pleasant sound of their voices, the crystal clear pictures of their smiles. Everything about them--both good and bad--is worth it. Perhaps this is what He meant by "love your neighbor as yourself." The more I love them, the more I learn how to love Him, the more confident I become, and the cycle continues, running more effectively every day. Perhaps this is what He meant by "Come, follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." Perhaps this is what He meant when He said "leave your old life and come and follow me." Perhaps this is what He meant when He said "Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind." He intended for us to put others before ourselves so that we can learn to love Him more. He intended for us to work out His love in our everyday life, reaping eternal benefits rather than immediate benefits. These things I know. These things I am desperately clinging onto, for it is these things that are truth.